1. A tongue scraper, because it may become the oddest-looking part of your routine but it’ll bring you RESULTS. It scrapes any ~residue~ off your tongue to cancel bacteria and odored breath…just don’t look at your sink.
2. A Darth Vader shower head that’ll reveal the Sith Lord actually has impressive water pressure — his tears are our gain. I think we can all agree people who bathe normally have chosen the dark side.
3. A tub of Elizavecca carbonated clay mask so you can make skincare a heck of a lot more entertaining. Aside from its obvious selfie potential, this is great for minimizing blackheads, exfoliating, and removing excess oil! And, you know, bubbles.
4. A set of knit kitty table leg protectors for probably making your roommate furious, but you know what they just don’t understand ART. They should really thank you for preventing scratches on your floor — now you’ll get your security deposit back.
5. A grip strip, because this’ll bring you straight to the future where you don’t need glue or magnets to keep your phone, keys, glasses, WHATEVER right where you want ’em. People may think aliens infiltrated your car, but you and I know the truth.
6. A set of wine condoms that’ll add a little *excitement* to regular nights in. Sure, they help extend the life of already-opened bottles of wine, but the real lesson here is you should always use protection when it comes to vino. Wine gone bad is a tragedy that must be avoided at all costs.
7. And! A wine stain–preventing balm so you can drink your merlot without it leaving a mark. If the sight of you putting this on your lips and teeth rubs people the wrong way, just wait until their mouth is purple. WHO WILL BE LAUGHING THEN, I WONDER.
8. A corgi butt mousepad for making work feel a little less ~ruff~ by providing plush carpal tunnel prevention. I INSIST you call everyone over to make nonstop butt jokes. Don’t worry, they’ll love it.
9. A Squatty Potty toilet spray, because when you gotta go you gotta go, and there’s nothing *magical* about the fear of leaving…evidence. You and your new number two can ride off into the sunset scent-free while the rest of the world holds it in.
10. A mesh head covering that’ll a) be your favorite new statement piece and b) successfully protect you from those damn mosquitos. Some say this is for camping, but they don’t know fashion.
11. An egg separator so making breakfast always goes swimmingly. I for one don’t see anything fishy about letting my yolk touch the lips of gold fish. He’s doing his best.
12. A pack of self-warming eye masks for *maybe* alarming your partner when they roll over, but mainly treating dark circles and puffy under-eyes. ONE of you will definitely feel relaxed.
13. A friendly colander, because he’d really like to set the record straight about monsters. They’re actually extremely well-mannered and particularly helpful in the kitchen. Spaghetti is his favorite thing to strain, but he’ll work with really anything.
14. A family-friendly steak seasoning that’ll take its task to upgrade your barbecuing skills very seriously. I doubt people will have the guts to question your cooking when seeing this — but once they taste your ribeye they’ll get it.
15. A cable protector so your roommate never “accidentally” uses your charger again — and you won’t need to deal with fraying cables, which is truly a blessing. Luckily, these guys can’t read so your texts will stay private.
16. A book titled The RBG Workout written by (you guessed it) Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s personal trainer. For anyone scoffing at following an 86-year-old woman’s workout routine…how about you try planking at almost 90 and get back to us.
17. A pair of pasta pot holders for cooking your real farfalle without burning your hands (mainly because that would mean you’d have to wait to eat). If one of these goes missing, maybe check that your guests didn’t try to eat it.
18. A Tony Moly hair nutrition pack, because there’s truly nothing more glamorous than washing your hair with condiments. Ok, it’s not REALLY mayonnaise, but it does use shea butter and macadamia seed oil to conquer frizz and damage to make your locks healthier and shiny.
19. A pizza nightlight that’ll fill your dreams with a slice of cheesy heaven *and* help you see when going to the bathroom at 3 a.m. Hopefully you can return to carb paradise when you go back to bed.
20. A set of jellyfish cleansing brushes so you have someone who shares your skincare enthusiasm. They can’t speak, but they LOVE exfoliating and scrubbing pores. Or at least, they sure seem like it…
21. A set of cat butt magnets to prove you have purrfect taste, especially when you see how strong they actually are. Nothing is falling off the fridge on their watch — no if, ands, or butts.
22. A garlic twist crusher for an inspiring reminder to always face your fears. Gracula used to avoid garlic at all costs — now he cuts, dices, and minces it like an absolute pro. A beautiful story, really.
23. A Big Foot air freshener, because he’s here to settle things once and for all. He’s real and…is pine-scented? Apparently his true calling is to make your car smell good. Who knew.
24. An ice cream door stopper that’ll both keep your office open and probably work up your appetite. If you have to close your door and have an impromptu Ben and Jerry’s session at your desk, this’ll understand.
25. A slow-rising squishy so you can relieve stress by playing with this, instead of biting your nails. It’s even bread-scented, which probably means you’re about to crave a lot sandwiches.
26. A razor holder for decluttering your bathroom counter, but mainly for having someone to talk to while shaving. He really is the perfect gentleman — he keeps your razor clean and never talks back.
27. A Bawdy butt mask, because Friday nights should always consist of this on your tush, “Bubble Butt” in the background, and a glass of chardonnay. It comes in four formulas to hydrate and tone, firm and illuminate, brighten and rejuvenate, and retexture and detoxify 🍑.
28. A folding umbrella hat that’ll turn heads in all the best ways. I can’t think of anything more satisfying than walking through the rain without the need to hold your umbrella…everyone staring is just jealous.
29. A skull sponge holder so it doesn’t kill you to do the dishes anymore. Your sponge will stay cleaner now that it’s not picking up icky bacteria on the counter, and it’ll always be in direct access. Plus, this lil’ guy WILL judge you if you “soak” your plate for three days.
30. A tub of Unicorn Snot glitter gel for benefiting from everyone’s favorite magical creature, even if it’s just their boogies. It’ll add some ✨sparkle✨ to your look (it works on both skin and hair!) so you’re always sure to stand out.
31. An egg cup holder, because this’ll help show off breakfasts so damn delicious they deserve to be knighted. Its quest is to hold your hard boiled egg perfectly in place, but it won’t oppose pictures.
You buying these things for their “practical purposes”:
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