Four Loko’s Hard Seltzer Is What We Deserve

We’ve spent the summer adorably sipping on low ABV hard seltzers that appeal to all, praising ourselves for staying “healthy” while we get slowly drunk by the pool. But last night, Four Loko, the makers of what was essentially alcoholic Power Thirst, announced that it does not give a fuck about your quest to pace yourself while day drinking, tweeting, “Hard seltzers ran so we could fly,” with a photo of their new product, Four Loko Seltzer Sour With a Hint of Blue Razz.

We have no idea what that combination of words means. Say “Four Loko Seltzer Sour With a Hint of Blue Razz” three times and it’s sure to invoke the ghost of a frat boy named Kyle who calls you a pussy and tries to piss ectoplasm into your sink. Four Loko describes the product as the “hardest seltzer in the universe,” and at a whopping 14 percent ABV, they’re probably right. The original formula of Four Loko contained malt liquor, caffeine, guarana, and taurine, and caused hospitalizations at colleges around the country. Chuck Schumer called the drink a plague, and eventually Four Loko changed the formula to remove the uppers.

Hard seltzer has taken off this summer as “wellness” continues to creep into the alcohol market. As Eater’s own Amy McCarthy wrote, “The 2019 bro hasn’t successfully bucked patriarchal values, but he has managed to spruce them up with face masks, potentially disordered eating, and an open and honest affection for spiked seltzer.” And given that seltzer is one of the preferred beverages of both the sober and “sober curious,” squint and drinking hard seltzer almost feels like not drinking at all.

But Four Loko Seltzer sits at the corner of wellness and apocalypse—yes, avoid your carbs and added sugars, but don’t let that keep you from getting so blotto that you get into a fistfight with a pool floatie that looked at you weird before texting your ex “yu stil in townn? my bbeef hottt ;-&.” Nihilism makes sense in this day and age. This is not about enjoyment. This is death drive.

If White Claw is the law, Four Loko Seltzer Sour With a Hint of Blue Razz is anarchy. TASTE THE CHAOS.

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